A Poem for Vanessa

How do you grieve for what you never had? How do you grieve
for what might have been?
The hopes and fears never expressed
The joys and sorrows that will never come…

The simple things we take for granted
To watch you sleeping – dreaming – smiling
To smell your new born baby skin…so clean and unblemished
To see your big eyes – open – looking – trying to make sense of the strange world into
which you were forced to come.
To see your sister hold you, your brother hit you…and to hear you cry.
To be able to comfort you and tell you everything will be fine…

How does one grieve for pudding filled long johns that will never be eaten?
For monkey bars and tunnel slides never to be explored…
For swimming pools, fishing poles, and happy meals…
For all that little girls are supposed to do without a care in the world.

How does one grieve an empty chair? For the extra crib and a car seat never bought…
How does one grieve for graduations and weddings that will never come?
How do you grieve for someone you barely know?

I wanted you to experience this world
The colors, the smells, the warmth, the cold
I wanted you to skin your knee, to catch a cold, to have your heart broken.

I wanted to teach you things…
To dance, to play catch, to tackle your older brother…
I wanted to hold your hand as we walked…
I wanted to read to you stories of bears and rabbits…talking lions and fairy godmothers
But these things are not to be…

There will come a day when we will see you again
You will have so much to tell us
We will walk together hand in hand through the tall grass, the wind at our back
I will listen as you tell of your adventures
The places you have been, the things you have done…
The woman you have become…
For the dead have a history…you are not forsaken or abandoned
The Lord still beckons…calling you to become the woman he intends for you to be

Please know we will never forget you
Not a day will pass without your name fluttering through our thoughts like a butterfly
dancing across the blue sky.
I hope you will remember us…
Be patient – wait for us – we will see you soon.